A really boring rambly post about child care

I have spent the better part of the past three weeks researching child care options for my kids. An after school option for the older two and an all day option for Hank. What I'm finding in the process is that we really want a tailor-made child care provider and would be best served if we could find a full time nanny. I think. I have such a hard time deciding. And I feel inappropriately responsible for other people's well-being and livelihood, so it makes deciding all the more difficult as I enter all those factors in. Ugh.

The older two have the school sponsored "Latch Key" program offered after school until 5:30 that is a viable, albeit not preferred option. (E learned a lot of things that as a Kindergartner he should not have been exposed to during his tenure there last year. I do not relish the same happening for Mags.) So while I'd prefer them to have a different option than Latch Key, it is sufficient. Therefore, for the time being this will be our solution. Not my favorite & I hope not long term, but doesn't require much else because there just really are not many other options.

Hank has options - lots and lots of options. (To the point I'm overwhelmed and going to write a ridiculously long blog post about it.)  There's the "Church Sponsored Day Care Center" option, high on Herd O' Cattle tendencies. Then there's the "In Home Day Care" options that are high on personal idiosyncrasies of the provider. There are a lot of "PreSchool/ Day Care" (PSDC for short. giggle.) combo options also, but most of those have special requirements for being potty-trained and/or 3 years old. Henry is not either. Which should rule all those out.

However, we keep returning to the PSCD because one of my illustrious neighbor has an in-home PreSchool/Day Care that Henry was enrolled in for the fall. It's just that he never actually went there due to my quick exit from my former job. This PSCD has both requirements, but also a loophole, which calls for accepting a child who is potty-trained when school starts and will be 3 by Thanksgiving (Hank fulfills the latter, but fails miserably at the former). In August the PSCD neighbor called for my final decision on Hank's attendance & I was not prepared. I said yes out of fear of rudeness, lack of planning and wishful thinking (my mother-in-law had promised to take him for a week and return him potty trained), but didn't feel sure of my answer. I went to the "Parent Night" and was flakey. We left early. We failed to show on the First Day of School.  All of those reasons enough to make me want to move out of the neighborhood and never see them again.

However, tonight I called the PSCD neighbor (mostly because I was told by another neighbor that it would be rude not to call. "They'll see your car is gone" being implied). I had a long discussion on potty-training methods with PSCD teacher. I ended the conversation saying I wasn't sure it was a good fit & I'd talk with my husband about it and let her know. I must admit, I don't want Hank to go there not because it's not a great day care, but because I pften leave conversations with said neighbor feeling condescended to, the recipient of advice in areas that I don't desire assistance. It's not her fault, I realize, it's mine: Obviously I haven't potty-trained Hank because I'm lazy and undisciplined. If I would only apply myself to this task, it would work itself out. So now I sit, yet again at the crossroads of diapers-forever & potty training & I do not want to take the road to potty training.  I do believe that I could assert myself to the task of potty training this week and spend the entire of my waking energy focused on that OR I can enjoy my last week before returning to work and continue to buy diapers, even though I know my son is developmentally able to control his bladder and sphincter enough to choose when to use the toilet. Why must I not potty train him and continue in my selfish use of time this week? What is wrong with me?

I keep thinking about what a nice place it would be for Henry to be. It's orderly, organized and run by someone who loves Jesus. There are only 4 kids there. It's really fabulous. I want to send him there. I want to put the big kids on the bus then walk Hank to the neighbor's house and be done with my childcare responsibilities every day at 7:45am. Bada boom, bada bing! It's the cheapest place I've looked at, as well! I can't figure out if I'm uncomfortable with Henry going there, uncomfortable with feeling talked down-to by the sitter or if I just plain don't want to be that enmeshed with the neighbors. I want to want him to go there. But I don't.

I have also found a nice place for Hank about 10 minutes north of here. It's a friend of a friend, a really trustworthy lady who by herself manages 10 kids. Well, my son would be the 10th. We went for a while today & it was quite amazing. She somehow managed really well, making 10 kids not seem like 10 kids. It truly was remarkable to watch & I think it would be a great place for Hank. I'm not without reservations about the "census" there (day care speak for number of kids), but somehow I just feel good about it. It has my favorite things in a day care: lunch provided, no potty-training requirement and a non-judgemental caregiver. That just feels so shallow of me to articulate, and yet I do feel that way.

Another piece of this puzzle is that we really would like to find a nanny. We haven't advertised our desire that way, yet, but it is becoming our preference. The No Potty place would not mind us coming for a while and then changing our mind. Her financial future does not hang in the balance whether or not we come. I like that. And the PSDC place closes at 5pm each day, when I finish work - no buffer time. I just don't like not having a buffer.

So I'm going with my gut. I'm going with "Latchama Key" as Mags calls it & the No Potty Place. I'm ok with that for now. And I don't have sick days or Fall Break or Spring Break worked out yet. But that will come as it comes, I think.  And that's that.

Decisions

Life is full of decisions.  Cornell researchers have found that people make over 200 decisions PER DAY just regarding food!

Most days we make mundane decisions with barely a thought: when to get out of bed, when to go to the bathroom, when to sneeze, when to go to bed, what store to shop at. Even what foods we buy and which clothes in our wardrobe we wear become routine. The choice becomes less of a decision than a habit. As choices become habits, they barely get our cognitive attention, because they are rote. When we decide to change a behavior, decisions that are usually rote come to the front of our consciousness and receive more profound attention.

This, I believe, is why change is so emotionally taxing.

When we decide to change ONE thing in our lives, it disrupts our routines. Many mundane or rote decisions must get more of our cognitive attention, thereby creating more decisions. What in the routine of life is a foregone conclusion must be decided in a new way when our lives are sent out of order. This, I believe is the case when someone decides to do anything different be it deciding to diet, add an exercise routine, or even just join a new group or club. But enter a BIG change - moving or job change, a new child or a marriage - and your life is sent into a new gear. Additional choices are required while our brains reset to our "new normal."

It's been six weeks now that I've not been working. Job change is a BIG change, I believe. I've developed a routine by accident in this time and find that I'm not exactly using my time as I would prefer. I love the structure that routine affords me, and I find myself adrift when it's lacking. So the one decision - to quit my job- leads to a plethora of decisions I wasn't anticipating.

I have to remember that I'm not stuck. Be reminded that my new, albeit accidental, routine is not set in stone and decide to DECIDE on how my time will be spent, what my priorities are and how I will choose to invest my energies. Today I'm deciding to decide.

Happenstance isn't a choice. Serendipity is foolish. But choosing has both intrinsic and incidental rewards. So today I'm resetting. Renewing. Re-deciding.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Stu often tells people that we have two boys and "a middle princess."

She's as cute as cute can be, that middle princess. Somehow she already has a figure most 20 year olds would kill for, beautiful straight hair that is naturally the color Jennifer Aniston  pays $1,000s to create. And her sense of style is killer - carefully mixing and matching items from her wardrobe with the aplomb of a stylist. Owning four pairs of shoes apparently isn't enough. (She's five mind you!)  Recently she told me, "Mom, I don't have enough shoes."

Plus she's darling: fluffing her hair at men and giggling behind her hand with the other girls. Honestly, she's an enigma to me - where did she come from - already beautiful, confident and decisive at five years old.

With all these good qualities it would seem, dear reader, that every day is roses with our dear Mugsy, right? However, you are sorely mistaken.

Not only are her feet the smelliest in America (can I get an AMEN from anyone who's babysat her?), her attitude often stinks too. I've never met a person more prone to the "I can't's" than she is. Simple homework is an enormous battle because it is bending her will. Doing prescribed work is almost too much for her delicate, determined, direct personality to absorb. I'm at my wits end with her on a regular basis. It's hard for me to imagine a more foreign creature to come from my womb. Having grown up with three brothers, the vicissitudes of boys seem familiar and banal. But the girl... oh the girl.

I do hope that someday her mystery will subside and she will become My Girl. But for now she is shrouded in mystery and stinky feet. Bad attitude galore. Making what seems so lovely become extraordinarily ugly. And then to think, this is just the beginning. In the not-so-distant future this creature, this Good, Bad and Ugly girl will turn 13. Just that thought turns my stomach.

Carrots and Sticks, the new-fashioned way

Yesterday morning for the third time in 4 weeks, we the Godfreys woke up collectively 15 minutes before the bus.

This is not a habit conducive to proper teeth-brushing or allowing time for a Healthy Breakfast. However, my kids made the bus! This is nearly a miracle, since Mugsy is the s l o w e s t human being on the planet. But it proves that we have moved past the mantra of the first two weeks of school, "I don't want to go." and the foregone conclusion that school is required has been ingested by my defiant & stubborn (ie. Like Her Father) girl.

Carrots and Sticks. Rewards and Punishments. It's all my life is about currently. I'm attempting to train these wild-beast children to be productive members of society, but most of the time I just end up yelling, screaming and going through all sorts of machinations just to get them to HEAR what I'm saying, much less minding. 

To reward the marvelous feats of the morning (and because we had leftover tokens & tickets from the hellish School Nite last week), I took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese after school. I spent three dollars & gave them the time of their lives. They barely complained & were quickly obedient during the whole endevour, proving that they did indeed deserve a reward for making the bus this morning. I explained that reward will not be available often, but it was fun to give them a Carrot instead of the Sticks I'm usually doling out.

I Win!! Hurray!

Of course, their good behavior was short-lived. Does anyone else have to punish their children for fighting over who gets to PRAY at dinner time? Nope? I didn't think so. Just me, what with my feral children & all.

The List

It's been over two years since Stu and I had a heart-to-heart that went something like this:
Stuart: Honey, I think we both know what needs to happen about our finances.
Sue: You're right. We need to sell our house and move all 3 kids + dog into a one-room trailer.

Stuart: Um, no. I was thinking you should get a job.
Sue: Are you sure we shouldn't sell the house and move to a trailer? That sounds easier.

I mean, we all know that being a stay-at-home mom was not really seeming like such a good gig for me, anyway, right!? But somehow the dreaded Job Search seemed harder than uprooting our home.

Shortly thereafter I found a job, and I've been working full time ever since. (Well, until 3 weeks ago when I quit that job. Anyway, that's a topic for another post. Let's keep on topic, please.) The plan was that we would use my paycheck just for "work related expenses" and everything else from my paycheck would go to pay down debt. One might say we took a rather broad approach to "work related expenses," because it ended up seeming as though there was no "extra" to put toward paying off debt. What do we do?!?
Approximately one year ago, a year into the "working to pay down debt" plan, we were no longer adding to our debt, nor were we really taking care of it either. Enter a 10% pay reduction at my job. And a 50% increase in child care expenses. And a new-to-us car payment. And what do you have?!? (insert ruffling pom poms): A perfect storm for financial doom! Mwaa hahaha!

So one year ago, Stu and I signed up for a "Total Money Makeover" class at church aka Financial Peace University aka Dave Ramsey. That class taught us how naughty credit card companies are, how horrible collectors are, and how to dicker someone down on the price of a used car or new furniture. For real.

However, we also learned some really valuable tools to making our financial life better. Now our commitment to Financial Peace is not unlike our commitment to other things: full of angst and distrust. However, we've applied some new money management principals to our life and have quit buying everything we want. I hate it, honestly. I want to buy steak and wine and new flip flops, damn it! I vacillate between being happy to shop at Goodwill and desiring to buy in triplicate the nicest newest things I find.

This past year on the Dave Ramsey plan we refer to as being in "emergency mode." This is not what Dave prescribes. He has several "Baby Steps" and encourages those who can not do them quickly to take on a menial second job to get $1,000 in the bank and to start paying off the Evil Credit Companies (Baby Steps One and Two, respectively).  It took us WAY longer to do the first Baby Step than is encouraged, but we believed it was because of the Perfect Storm of Financial Mayhem, so we decided to just tighten our belts and make it work. And we did. We paid off the minivan, we saved up a cushion, and paid off one of our 4 credit cards. We used cash for Christmas gifts, spent the tax return wisely, and quit giving presents. We began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. And then I quit my job.
So, let's review: Emergency Mode begins August 2009. July 2010 we exit Emergency Mode then promptly use all of our savings from Baby Step One on a new water heater. August 2010 I quit my job, thereby reinstating Emergency Mode. And there you have it, folks. Yet another period of living skinny. Just in time for school supplies! Yippee!!

So, in this time of living uber-thrifty, I am jonesin' for some spendiforous living. Some below is my list of what I'd get if money were no object, if Emergency Mode were aborted and I could do whatever I want. (Or if I decided to break the rules and use a credit card.). Le Sigh.

The List: new running shoes,  hair bands, vitamins Omega 3-6-9 and SAM-e which is certain to change my life, right? whole nutmeg and curry from Penzey Spices, a new vacuum cleaner (Seriously, I understand why some women ask for them for Christmas), and a new coffee grinder

Ok, I'm feeling really lame about my list now. Really Sue? SAM-e and a headband? Oh, you're soooo deprived. (see the dripping sarcasm?) See, I also want fabric, but it's not on the list because I have a gift card to JoAnn Fabrics, but can't bring myself to spend it. See, it might not really be the Spending Plan keeping me from buying things, but just my good-old-fashioned tightwad-ed-ness. Ok, deep breath. My life is not bad. My list is not long. I have everything I need. I am not deprived.

Thanks for indulging my lame-o list. It helped me gain perspective.