Capacity

My work involves a lot of talk about the word "capacity." Does an organization have capacity for greater utilization? Would additional funding allow the capacity of an organization to grow? Does an organization have the capacity to assist another? And on and on it goes, the talk not about the ability or desire but if all the tools are in place for success.

This talk of capacity has infiltrated my real life also. I now look at requests for our time and money in terms of our capacity: I ask, "Do we have the capacity to say yes to a birthday party?" instead of asking, "Is there anything already scheduled for that time?" It becomes less about our desire to do something and more about what we are capable of doing given our resources. It's actually been very freeing to start saying yes (and no) to requests based upon my understanding of our family's capacity.

Currently, we The Godfreys, are at capacity. We have as many routine activities as is reasonable for us to undertake. We want to be more involved in other things, but alas, we can not because we've reached capacity.

When I took my new job, I decided that one of the best ways to extend my capacity to care for our kids was to hire an afternoon nanny. We have the most wonderful girl in the world taking care of the kids most afternoons. Sarah is just lovely in spirit, she helps with the house, she cares for the kids well, she often helps with dinner, really she's just about as good as it gets. However, she often is unable to come. At least once a week, it seems, she has something come up that makes her unable to come as previously arranged. And by previously arranged, I mean the set schedule of 4 afternoons a week.

So this morning, as the Check Engine Light came on, I was talking to Sarah about her attendance. I asked her to not send me text messages calling off work. I asked her to determine if her schedule had reached capacity and if she has, ahem, the capacity to commit to caring for my kids. I tried to heap on the compliments, because truly, she's a marvel when she's at our house. However, I do not have the capacity to drum up a new sitter once or twice a week.

So I feel bad that her blind friend might miss being at her Grandma's bedside in time to say "goodbye" for lack of a ride from Sarah today, since I brow-beat her into working tonight. I feel bad that I had to say, "we LOVE having you, but if you can't commit to being here, we'll find someone who can."

I'm putting into action the things that I've learned in counseling, to take people at their word and to mean what I say. It is my responsibility to ask for what I want directly and to allow the other person to respond according to their needs and capacity. I just need to reply to the words. And that truly is all I have the capacity for anymore.